I recently went on the Internet (that great invention of Al Gore’s) and came across an article that stated "reading, as a pastime, had declined significantly during the eighties." It has rebounded to a small degree since, but as a (hack) writer, I often wonder how much attention is really paid to the articles. Most often, it’s the pictures that capture everyone’s attention. For instance, if I said something like "I wear depends under garments because I lost my bladder in the last stock market crash," would you read it if there weren’t any pretty pictures next to that statement? This article is a test to see if people even read articles anymore.

So I was walking down the street one day and there was this guy that tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and he asked me if I had change, because he needed to make a phone call to his mother. She was in the hospital dying of some rare condition usually only found in the Slobovian Alps. I told him "No way. I work for a living! Get a job and a phone, you lazy good for nothing bum!" Well then he punched me right in the face. Go figure. But a policeman saw it, came right over and asked me if I wanted to press charges, I said "Yeah! Duh!" So we went right down to the station. While at the police station, they gave me free donuts and coffee. They let me take the guy into a back room and work him over a little bit. They even joined in themselves. It was actually a lot of fun. So after we beat the guy to a senseless bloody pulp, I went outside and noticed that some guy was cupping something in his hands. I went up to him, out of curiosity, to see what he was holding. Well you know what it was? It was a load of crap. Like I just gave you. I made the whole story up as I went along. But how many of you have actually read it?

So now you’re all insulted and up in a huff. I bet there wasn’t but three people out there that actually read anything I just said. I can say anything I want, you see, because nobody is going to read it. I can say that you stink, your mother stinks and this magazine stinks but, since you’re such an idiot, you’ll pick it up because you’ll be attracted to the pretty pictures. You won’t read one article.

In closing, I just want to say that I was really only kidding. You people are not idiots. You’re really quite intelligent. You demonstrated that point by taking the time to read this article. It’s the people who didn’t read this article that are more likely to be the idiots. Look at the guy next to you and ask him if he’s read this article. If he says no, call him an idiot and show him some pictures.