Dear scabby
Me and my friends are greatly concerned that a girl in my class is not all woman. IT claims that IT'S 100% woman but somehow I'm not convinced. During P.E., huge bulges are present and she always seems to scratch unhygienic parts of the anatomy. We believe this person should come out of the closet and stop denying her women/manly hood!
love US

P.S. ( she also has a moustache)

Well US, scratching unhygienic places is a guy thing.  Facial hair and bulges normally are too.  But there could also be other issues to consider.  It is possible, though rare, that some women might engage in private parts scratching activity, which is usually considered crude by most women but normal amongst men.  That and breaking wind.  Facial hair could just be an indication of a hormone imbalance on the part of the subject.  Estrogen naturally suppresses facial hair growth while testosterone obviously promotes it. 

Now, I would think that if the individual had male genitalia, that the school would somehow prevent this individual from utilizing such female facilities as the girl's locker room or girl's restrooms.  That would be the responsible approach.  So maybe this is not really an issue of someone coming out of the closet to reveal its true gender.  Maybe its more of a gender identity problem.  Quite often, young girls engage in boyish activities or mannerisms.  The "tomboy" kind of girl.  Eventually, as puberty progresses, they begin to act more feminine.  This manly duckling of sorts may one day develop to be a womanly swan.  Life is full of surprises.  Sometimes girls who start out cute can grow up to be quite homely while girls that are unattractive may grow up to be extremely beautiful.  Also, not all of us age gracefully.  So some of you who now make fun of the other girls that are less attractive or ugly may one day discover what it's like to be in that person's place.  Which is all the more reason to be compassionate towards those of whom are less attractive than ourselves.  Now you might not know it by looking at me at me, but some people regard me as unattractive.  You know, with the cold sore thing.  So when you feel like teasing this individual, think about old Scabby who is, well, Scabby, but has been so helpful and generous towards you in your quest for answers.

Dear scabby,
I am deeply concerned about the mental health of one of my teachers, Mr. L***e. His behavior of late has been quite disturbing. Just recently, his obsession for poultry has become quite worrying. All he ever seems to natter on about is " how their feathers, swayin’ in the wind" He has even started to see things, and call us " chickens" , maybe its just me, but is it right for a full grown man to have such a weird and disturbing obsession!!
love macho


Well Macho, it is not normal for a grown man to have such an obsession with chickens or poultry unless he is, of course, a chicken farmer. This is not a normal obsession, because there is no such thing as a normal obsession. It seems as if your teacher may be, as we say in the mental health profession, off his rocker! The scary part is that, with him being a teacher, he is in a position to influence young minds. The key to resolving the problem is not to concentrate on the absurdity of the obsession itself but to attempt to discover its underlying cause. What about chickens fascinates him? Does he have the same obsession regarding birds in general? Some people envy birds in that they can fly and flying birds are often associated with the concept of freedom. But, as we all know, chickens aren’t necessarily known to be such great flyers and in fact we usually use birds like eagles to symbolize freedom.

Chickens are normally associated with being caged birds and bred to either be eaten or to lay eggs. By calling others chickens, he may be associating the people he refers to as chickens with certain characteristics normally associated with chickens. In America, if someone is “Chicken”, that means that he is afraid of something. He may have feelings of inadequacy about his own life because he feels trapped, perhaps in a profession he dislikes or in a troubled marriage, like a caged bird, and is “too Chicken” to take the actions necessary to improve his situation. He may then be projecting that onto others, by calling them chickens, in order to feel better about himself.

My guess, by what I’ve been told briefly in a single paragraph, is this: Feathers swaying in the wind has associations with freedom. Similar to how someone driving down the highway in a convertible, with the top down, while the wind blows through their hair is normally associated with the feeling of freedom. Chickens, however, are a caged bird that can’t really fly. This is an obvious contrast. The only feeling of freedom a caged bird can enjoy is the feeling of its feathers swaying in the wind. There could also be feelings of inadequacy here because chickens lack the ability to fly. My guess is that the teacher in question has feelings of being trapped like a caged bird and longs to have his feathers swaying in the breeze like the other birds that aren’t caged and the other birds that have the ability to fly. He may however feel that he lacks the skills, talents, abilities or the courage necessary in obtaining his freedom. So, it is not the chickens that are driving him to the point of mental instability but it is his feelings of helplessness, lack of hope, or both.

Dear scabby!
I’m concerned with the mental health of one of my closest friends! No matter where she goes she feels the need to flash her breasts! Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that’s a little sick!! 5 yr old boys witness this and I feel for their safety!!! Please tell me what to say to her, to try and stop her humiliating herself! Love Butch


Well Butch, as you well know and have stated yourself, it is not appropriate for someone to flash their breasts in front of children, unless of course they’re breastfeeding them. Even then, it would be preferable that it would be their own children and not those of perfect strangers. Now as far as humiliating herself, she would have to have some sense of shame in order to feel humiliation, which is obviously not the case here. The real issue is her making an ass off herself and the people she is with, as well as the appropriateness of her actions when in a public place.

Sometimes people like to shock others because they enjoy watching the reactions of the people they shock. That is quite often where they really get their kicks. However, there are those who get sexually aroused by performing exhibitionistic acts. Some women may feel the need to show their “wares” to demonstrate how “desirable” they should be considered by others. That would be an indication of low self-esteem. Other than psychological issues there are moral issues to consider. Most people know the difference between right and wrong but some just don’t care. It’s best when more than one individual approaches a person such as this to inform her that her actions are considered inappropriate. They should not all do it at the same time but individually and on different occasions. If only one person does this, she may feel that the one individual is the only person offended or that only one person thinks that the behavior is wrong.

If you are embarrassed or afraid to take her anywhere because of the way she acts then you need to stop going places with her. But you should tell her why. If she values the friendship, she may feel it would be worth modifying her behavior in order to maintain her relationship with you or the relationships with her other friends as well. You know that it’s inappropriate conduct and knowing that should have some bearing on how you feel about her as a person. Most of us choose our friends based upon whether we have something in common or because we have admiration or respect for them as a person. Her behavior is not admirable and you obviously don’t have that standard of conduct in common. Therefore you may want to consider either terminating your relationship with her or limiting the amount of contact you have with her. If she loses friends and discovers that people want nothing to do with her because of her conduct, that may serve as an incentive for her to modify it. Sometimes there are no other incentives that work.

Dear Scabby,  
I work next to a person who constantly smells like they have crapped in their pants. We are totally disgusted by their presence. We have sprayed their desk when they are gone. We have even sprayed ourselves in hope of creating a protective cloud. We have tried it all !!! Is there a cordial way to tell someone they smell like ass? 

                                                                                            Masked in Mass.

Well Masked,
I am assuming that you are referring to ass in the sense of the body part and not the animal. Ass, as a whole, is a truly unpleasant smell in most cases. Especially when considering that the scent of some asses are significantly less pleasant than others, depending upon wiping habits, hairiness, humidity and various other factors of course. Not that I go around sniffing them, for the purpose of comparison, mind you. But when a persons entire body emits this particular scent (that of slimy swamp ass), it is a truly unfortunate and, thankfully, rare phenomenon. There is no easy way to break the news to the offending party (Mr./Ms./Mrs. Ass). I don't think Hallmark has developed a card for an occasion such as this. However, I do think it's best to take the person aside, when no one else is around, and break the news to the individual yourself. You can start the conversation with this line: "Have you ever had that not so fresh feeling?" If they say yes, then you can say: "I thought so, 'cause you sure do smell like ass!" However, if they say no, you could say: "How could that possibly be? You smell like pure ass!" I hope this has been of some help to you.

Dear Scabitha,
I am a young woman with a serious hormone imbalance and am exhibiting advanced symptoms of male pattern baldness. I am ashamed to leave the house. What makes things worse is that I’ve always dressed masculine and have never really felt comfortable wearing dresses and other feminine articles of clothing. What should I do to correct this situation? I’m so confused.

                                                                                    Desperate in Dallas

Well desperate,

                I think you should shave off of the rest of your hair, wear a leather jacket and join a punk rock band. But beware of the temptations of the road. The parties, the groupies and the late nights can take its toll.